


To Love Again

by Dicey101



Category: The Hobbit
Genre: Durincest, Fiki, M/M, fili & kili - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-03-05
Updated: 2013-03-05
Packaged: 2017-12-04 08:32:27
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,641
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/708690
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Dicey101/pseuds/Dicey101
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Kili gets hurt, he changes, and it takes him too long to realize what's important to him.</p>
            </blockquote>





	To Love Again

I’m walking home, it’s dark out, but I don’t care. I’m so excited to get home to tell Fili of my day at the forge with uncle Thorin.  As I skip I look up at the stars, I can’t believe how happy I am.   But all that is stolen from me, as I’m suddenly knocked down and dragged into a dark corner. 

The blow made me feel dizzy, disoriented.  I’m being attacked now, someone strong is pinning me down, hitting me, punching me, raping me.  He smells like ale and dirt, and I want to scream, scream for someone to take me home, or scream for death to claim me. But I can’t.  

All of a sudden it feels as if I’m floating out of my body, and I begin to lose my sense of feel. I can see myself, on the ground, that disgusting person on top of me. I see the tears stop falling from my eyes, I see myself calm and let the person finish. 

And then he’s gone, and I’m lying there. And with a blink, I’m back in my body, trying to tell myself what to do.  
“Get up. Get up. Get up,” my mind keeps telling me, and I try. The pain is almost unbearable. My head is spinning and my limbs are sore; the pain in my lower back makes it all worse. 

I whimper despite myself and begin to walk -no, limp- home, like a wounded animal... and that’s what I feel like.  
Nothing more than a dirty, injured animal. 

 

***

 

“Mother, you know Kili, he should be home by now!” I hear Fili say to our mother. I’m standing outside the door to our home. I’ve been standing here for five minutes. I have no clue how to enter and tell them what has happened. Fili will want to hunt down and kill the man that did this to me, and my mother will cry and try to hold me. 

I don’t want anyone to touch me... not now... not ever. 

Eventually I feel to filthy to stand here any longer, so I enter. My mother and Fili turn to me immediately upon hearing the old wooden door open, a look of relief flashes through their eyes. 

Fili opens his mouth to give me what I know will be a stern talking to, but before he can talk, I do.  
“Something happened to me, and I do not feel as though I should tell you, so if you don’t mind, I would like a warm bath.” And with that, I begin to limp my way to the stairs. I trip on the first one and fall down, that’s when I let the tears come. 

“Kili!” My mother sobs and runs to me, but Fili holds her back. “Mother, please, let me.” Fili says, and he gently scoops me up into his arms. I don’t move, I just let him carry me up the stairs as my mother busies herself with making tea. 

By now, I have lost all feeling; the reality of what happened is just hitting me, sinking into every pore, and I have to get it out.  
The worse part is that I realize now that I know the man that did this to me. I’ve known him my whole life. 

I shudder and start to sob more as Fili places me down in the our bathing room, and starts to fill the washbasin.  
My older brother and I are very close, so close that sometimes we can feel what the other is feeling; and when we feel fear or a strong emotion, the other knows.  
So by now I have figured out that Fili knows what happened to me. How could he not? I may not have been physically screaming, but my mind was. 

Since I am in shock and cannot move, Fili begins to undress me; being careful not to touch my skin. He knows, he understands; and I thank the gods that he does.  
I’m still crying, and it’s beginning to hurt. So once I am undressed, I sit myself in the basin of warm water and submerge myself completely, keeping my eyes open, as if cleansing them from everything I have seen on this night. 

I lose track of time, under there in the warmth and quiet, that I don’t really realize that I need to breathe. I am numb.  
Fili pulls me up, and quickly returns to his seat on the small wicker chair we keep in the room.  
I mumble a small thank you, he nods and looks away.

I watch him for a few moments, my beautiful brother. He works so hard, and now I’m stressing him out even more. I can tell by the look on his face that he wants nothing more than to go out and mercilessly kill the man that did this to me.  
I can also feel his anger. His anger and mine combine is never a good thing. So, for the sake of us and mother, I calm my thoughts, hoping he will pick up on them. 

I begin to scrub at my skin, washing away the filth, the blood, and the shame. 

 

***

 

It’s been a year since... it.. happened. And I am not surprised at all how much it has changed me. I will never be able to forgive or forget what that man did to me.  
I used to be a very happy dwarf, not a care in the world. I guess you could say I was still just a child.  
But having something like that happen to me, it took my childhood away from me, and fast. 

I never had a chance to fully grow out of it. I lost it in an hour, less than. He stole it, that evil, heartless man. But it is the past. It is gone now and I need to move on.  
But I can’t. 

I have changed to the point where it isn’t just hurting me, it’s hurting the ones I hold dearest. Like my sweet, kind, wonderful brother. We used to be so close. Hugging, sharing the same bed, playing, fighting, never leaving the other’s side. 

Now I don’t let anyone touch me. It’s not that I do it on purpose, I just lose it and break down.  
Sometimes I’ll yelp, or scream, or cry, or just stiffen. 

And it hurts me, but it hurts my family more. Especially my brother. My poor Fee. He won’t admit it, not even in that place in our minds that our connected, that this thing has affected him more than me. But I know it has. 

The thing is, he’s been so great this past year. Helping me with ... well with whatever it is that has claimed my personality, claimed me..... changed me entirely.  
Of course he is still my best friend, my brother, and we still love each other dearly. We laugh, and talk, but it’s not the same;

and I fear it will never be. 

 

***

On days where my flashbacks are particularly bad, Fili takes me out hunting. I love hunting. I love the power that my bow and arrow give me, I just feel so protected and strong; a luxury to me now.

“So, what would you like to catch today?” Fili says, twigs and leaves crunching under his boots as he walks. 

I hum as I think about what I would like for supper. Mother is gone on “royal business” with uncle, so whatever we catch has to be easy to prepare... when it comes to cooking, my brother and I are dimwitted. 

“A rabbit or two,” I say, sharpening the head of my favourite arrow as we walk on deeper into the woods. We never get lost though, we know this forest like the backs of our hands. 

“Mmm, rabbit sounds nice,” Fili says, “I may not be able to cook well, but I make a mean rabbit stew!”  
I try my hardest to stifle my laughter. My old self would’ve chuckled cruelly and jumped Fili, tangling my limbs with his and wrestling into the underbrush, laughing and making fun of his terrible stew. 

He slows his walking and turns his head to look at me, a genuine but sad smile on his face. He picked up on my thoughts, dammit. I guess I miss times like that, simpler times.  
I return the smile and he turns back to the path ahead, even though we’d been there a million times before, it seems as though the path could lead us anywhere. 

We walk on for a few more minutes, possibly an hour. We’re mostly silent, but it’s comfortable.  
Eventually I spot something moving in the bushes to the right of Fili. I mouth for him to stay put as a pull an arrow taught with my string. Before I can shoot the creature I assume is a rabbit, it bounds out of the underbrush. 

That is definitely not a rabbit. It’s razor sharp teeth latch onto my brother’s leg, and he tries to pull out his sword, but the pain is to unbearable and he lets out a scream unlike any I’ve heard before. 

Before I can do anything else I shoot the thing right through it’s skull. It’s dead but it’s teeth are still deep in Fili’s flesh.  
“Ahh, Kili!” Fili seethes through gritted teeth, as I move as fast as I can to detach the creature. I wince, because Fili is in immense pain; it’s terrible enough that I can feel ghost pain in my leg.

My brother falls over and I immediately rush over to him. “Gods Kili, it hurts,” he says, panic in his voice. He’s trying to be strong but tears are streaming down his face. 

“I think... I think it poisoned you.” I say calmly. He nods. I prop my pack behind his head and return to his leg. I assess that the little devil didn’t finish his job, so I have enough time to start a fire. Once I have flames, I throw the ugly pest into them and watch it burn before returning to Fili. He’s getting pale. 

“I’m going to...” I start and trail off, he nods, becoming disoriented. My mind is screaming at me. It wants me to give up, it’s telling me no. I’m having flashback to that night and I’m shaking. 

But then I look at my fair-haired brother, lying there, now convulsing in pain, and I know I have to do this. So I ignore my mind and listen to my heart. I bring my lips to the purple marks on his leg and begin to suck the poison out. 

Uncle Thorin taught Fili and I at a young age how to remove poison from a bite; just suck and spit until you taste blood. 

It takes a few minutes, but I eventually taste metallic instead of sourness. I pour some water from my waterskin over the wound and bandage it. Luckily we always come prepared on our trips. 

By now Fili has lost consciousness and I have no way of knowing if I saved him or not. 

So I sit as close to him as I can, and I cry. I cry because he is my brother, and he is everything to me. I cry because I miss him, even though I see him everyday, I miss him. I cry because I realize, as he lays there, the world so far away from him, that I love him. I love him in the way I shouldn’t. I cry because it took me so long to admit this to myself. And finally, I cry because I may never get the chance to tell him any of this. 

 

***

 

I watch Fili until some colour returns to his face, and then I decide to catch some rabbits. Fili will need something to keep his strength up when he wakens. I brush the damp hair back from his forehead and place a small kiss there. 

I then get up and prepare a few arrows. I don’t travel far from my brother, just in case there are more of those ... things lurking in the trees. 

I hunt for a good half an hour, and return to our small camp with three medium-sized rabbits. I wrap two of them in cloth and put them in Fili’s pack, then I begin to skin one for when Fili wakes up. As I’m putting the rabbit on a make-shift spit, Fili begins to stir. 

I run to his side. “Fili, Fili can you hear me?” I ask, panic in my voice. He coughs in response and opens his eyes. I smile at him and go to fetch him some water. He drinks greedily and I let him. 

“I... I cooked some rabbit,” I tell him once he’s drained my waterskin. He nods at me, still to weak to speak. I bring him a leg and he eats it slowly. I eat too, I’ll need my strength to help him walk home. 

We pack up camp and begin to make our way back towards our village. He can’t walk on his right leg, so he has to lean on me for support. I don’t mind though.  
“Are you sure you don’t care that I’m touching you?” He keeps asking me, his voice raspy. 

I grunt as I adjust his weight, “no, stop checking, I’m fine.” His lips form as straight line as if he doesn’t believe me. 

A few minutes later he asks me again. “What am I supposed to do, leave you here?” I snap, and after that he is quiet. I groan internally. Now he knows there is something wrong. He knows I’ve become to timid to raise my voice in the past year. I try and think of something else so he can’t pick up on my thoughts.

 

***

 

When we finally reach our village, the sun has set. We see the light of fires through house windows, our house the only one without.  
Mother must not be home yet.

I open the door and help Fili onto a chair, and then I start a fire. 

“Thank you,” he says so quietly it’s almost a whisper. That thank you meant more than he will ever know, and I can’t help but let my tears fall. 

“Kili?” 

I turn away from the fire and look into his worried eyes. “I almost lost you.” I break down and start to sob in earnest, the reality of what has happened hitting me hard. This whole situation is making me think back to that night, too. I shiver. 

Fili drops from his chair and joins me on the fur carpet near the fire. He’s close but he doesn’t touch me, and that makes me think about the man again, and how he did this to us. This time, I don’t think, I just do. 

I clutch my brother hard and he pulls me into him, “finally,” he whispers. I fist my hands into his hair, afraid that if I let go now, I may never be able to do this again.  
His hands wrap around my waist even tighter. I weep into his neck because I’ve wanted this for so long, I just never knew. 

“I love you,” I mumble into his neck. 

“I love you too.”

“No, Fili,” I say as I pull away just enough to look into his blue eyes, “I love you.” I move in and connect our lips. We fit together like a puzzle, like he was my missing piece. He kisses me back so gently, as if afraid that I will end it. So I deepen the kiss, nipping at his bottom lip, letting him know how much I need this, how much I need him. He moans and I pull away. 

“Touch me,” I say as I pull off my shirt. His hands come up to my chest and our lips meet again. He lays me down on the fur and his fingers dance over my torso. My breath catches in my throat. I can’t believe how good it feels to have someone touch me.

We break the kiss so Fili can pull off his own shirt, and we can remove the rest of our clothes. This time, I push him down into the fur. He laughs, and I straddle his hips and I look into his eyes. They’re dark and full of lust, and I kiss him again because I want him, I want every part of him. 

“Stop,” he says, and I pull away just enough to look at him. I can hear the fire crackling beside us. “Are you sure you want this?” He says, panting. I don’t even have to think about it, “yes, yes yes yes,” I moan into yet another kiss. Our lips are bruised when I pull away, and Fili flips me onto my back, now he’s in control again. 

I begin to panic despite myself, but he only dips down and begins ghosting light kisses on my jaw, down my neck, all along my chest, and down. Before he reaches my arousal he comes back up and kisses my lips softly. His hand runs down my stomach and over my cock. I groan loudly. His hand then comes between my thighs.

“Fili, please,” I beg him to stop teasing, but he’s not, he’s just making sure I’m alright.

I kiss him once more, and he’s about to push his finger inside when I stop him. “No preamble, I just want you. All of you, please.” He looks down at me, confused. My change isn’t just a shock to me. But he nods and takes his hand away from my entrance and onto his length. He strokes a few times and lines himself up. 

“Kili, I really don’t-” 

But before he can finish, I lock my legs around his back and push him in. I cry out because it hurts. It hurts, but there’s something different about this time.  
Tears start to form in my eyes and I let them fall. Fili kisses them away, he still hasn’t moved. “We can stop. Please, I don’t want to hurt you.” He looks like he’s about to cry too. 

“No,” I say, because this is different. This man above me now loves me. He isn’t that disgusting person who did this to me so many months ago, who didn’t care about what I felt. No, Fili loves me, and when he touches me, I feel good, beautiful, loved, not filthy. 

“Move.” I almost order him, and he does. He moves in and out of me slowly, and the pain starts to leave. I moan when, finally, I feel something amazing. 

“Oh, Fili,” I pant as he begins to go deeper, faster. He buries his face in my neck and moans. I cry out his name when he hits a spot that makes stars dance before my eyes. Before I can help myself I bite down on his shoulder, and he lets out a feral groan. He pulls away and looks down at me, and I look up at him. We just watch each other for a few minutes, each of us lost in passion. I bring my hands up and lock them into his hair, pulling him down to my lips. 

It isn’t really a kiss, we just moan into each other mouths. We’re going fast now, and it feels like Fili and I are one. I know that sounds stupid, but I feel as though we’re the only people in the world, we are all that matters. I break the kiss and pull him down into my neck again. I clutch at his back as I scream his name over and over, overcome with lust, and pleasure, and passion. 

He finishes shortly after I do, whispering my name. He pulls me on top of him, he’s still inside me. I don’t pull away, I just rest my head on his chest. We stay like that until our breathing has returned to normal. “I love you.” He whispers and kisses my forehead. I tell him I love him back.

We stay there for a little longer, until the fire has burned down to embers. I help him up the stairs and into our room. I push our beds together. We make love again, this time slower. It takes a long time, because we want it to. There’s no rush. We feel each other, and it’s beautiful.

When we finally finish, he curls up into my side and I hold him close to me. I run my fingers through his hair as his breathing slows and he falls into a deep sleep.  
I lay awake a while longer, listening to him breathing and being so grateful that he’s alive, and that I’m alive, and we’re here together. 

I love him, he loves me, and that is all that matters anymore.. that’s what should’ve mattered from the start. 

 

***

 

When mother returns home I leap into her arms and hold her tightly. “My son! Oh my Kili is back!” She cries into my hair and squeezes me until I can’t breathe.  
We sit down at our wooden table, I sit beside Fili, she sits across from us. “What happened?” She asks me.  
“Well,” I start and turn to smile at Fili. He smiles back. “I realized that love is more important than fear and pity.” I grab Fili’s hand. Mother starts crying again, from happiness, not sadness. No more sadness. 

To this day, I’m still haunted by the rape, but I don’t let it get to me. I will no longer let it take over. I have people who love me, and I know they will never hurt me, and that’s all that matters. Never let hate replace the love in your life, ever.


End file.
